1.5 months ago, my boyfriend decided to use “weed” in front of me, I, not knowing anything about the symptoms, locked myself in the toilet, thought that he was ill - I called an ambulance, the police came with them, but everything turned out well - by that time he had already been RELEASED (sorry for me to write this, but that's the point). I told him that we were breaking up, I no longer want to build a relationship with a DRUG ADDICT, I want a family and children, and with you we will no longer have a future.. That day I was emotional after what I saw, I said all sorts of nonsense, oh which I now regret. Now, after 3 weeks, having realized everything, I forgive him (all this time we lived together, in different rooms), I try to make peace with him, I apologize... To which he told me - I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU FOR YOUR ACTION (which I caused ambulance) and what you called me.. He won’t forgive me, I always believed him that he would never exchange me for this disgusting thing, but it turns out I was still to blame. He even wanted to move out of the apartment where we now live, he kicked me out so as not to live together.. I experienced all this very acutely, I generally perceive everything closely, every little thing.. For 2 weeks - I’ve been crying, roaring, persuading, I ask him, I beg him, I say that I understood everything, realized everything, I want to be only with him, this will never happen again, I even stood on my knees. He said that he doesn’t want to hear this, I don’t believe you, you won’t change, it’s all over with us... A week passed, he somehow softened towards me, stopped kicking me out of the house, we live together, when I asked: DO WE HAVE A FUTURE TOGETHER?, he said - IT’S LIKELY (and before that it was an affirmative NO), I HAVE THE POSSIBILITY TO HOPE FOR A CHANCE THAT YOU WILL FORGIVE ME - he said it’s better not to.., At the end he added - you’re boring me with your questions, leave me alone, don't piss me off. I understand perfectly well that he has already softened, a little more and will forgive me... But then... 5 days ago I met a girl, she is 34, she has a boyfriend.. He got ready at 1 am - left for her, arrived at 4 hours (he gets up for work at 8), but he could never come to me at the beginning of even the first night, citing work (I didn’t sleep all this time, I was waiting for him when he came, I asked where he was, he said with about met a friend) I somehow held back my tears... Yesterday he spent the whole day with her, they left in her car (and with me he was afraid to drive), he arrived at 4 am again... I also fell asleep with tears in my eyes, but she didn’t show him. I don’t know if this is all done on purpose to spite me or not. I already wanted to talk to this girl, he said if I write to her, he will find another place to live. . I love him very much, I want to be with him.. How to behave in this situation?? When I asked him: HOW MUCH TIME DOES IT NEED FOR HIM TO THINK OF FORGING ME OR NOT, HE SAID HALF A YEAR... wait until he gets better and understands that he needs me... Move away from him so as not to see how everything happens. My departure will mean that I have given up.. We sleep together on 1 sofa, different blankets. As long as we live together, I have hope that we will be together.. How should I deal with his new girlfriend in this situation?? Please tell me, I'm completely desperate...

“Some people consider persistence and holding on to something to be signs of great strength. However, there are times that require much more will to know when to let go and then do it.”
- Ann Landers

When we let go of something or someone, it doesn't mean we no longer care about them. It just dawns on us that the only thing we can truly control is ourselves, right here, right now. It is a necessary process of adaptation to the ever-changing realities of life - leaving the past behind to make way for the present.

Here are 50 quotes from various articles that will help you let go and start living happily.

1. As we get older and wiser, we begin to understand what we need and what we need to leave behind. Sometimes leaving is a step forward.

2. You will never achieve what you are capable of if you are too attached to things that you need to let go of.

3. Sometimes something appears in our lives that should not linger. Sometimes unwanted changes are necessary changes for our growth.

4. Growth and change can sometimes be painful, but the most painful thing in life is staying out of place.

5. The hardest part of growing up is letting go of what you're used to and moving on with something new.

6. Accept what is, let go of what was, and believe in what can be.

7. Don't be afraid of change. There is a reason for everything. Deal with it. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it.

9. Never let fear determine your future.

10. Fear is just a figment of your imagination. Sometimes it is difficult to decide to follow your heart, but you will make a huge mistake if you allow false fears to stop you.

11. You can't wait forever for the perfect moment. Sometimes you have to let go of doubt and take risks because life is too short to wonder about what could have been.

12. You are not the same person you were a year ago, last month or last week. You are constantly evolving. Nothing stands still. That is life.

13. One of the most pleasant moments in life is when you finally find the courage to let go of what you cannot change.

14. You should never force things. Do everything that is required of you and let life take its course. If something is supposed to happen, it will happen. Don't tie yourself to something you can't control.

15. When you stop expecting people and events to be perfect, you can begin to appreciate them for who they are.

16. Live simply. Love with all your soul. Speak sincerely. Breathe deeply. Try your best. Leave everything else for something that is higher than us.

17. Surrender and letting go are two completely different things.

19. Giving up does not always mean showing weakness. Sometimes it just means that you are strong and smart enough to let go and move forward.

20. Stop focusing on your stress level and remember how lucky you are. Things could have been much worse.

21. Whatever upsets you, let it go! There is no need to accumulate negativity. Stay calm and have a positive outlook on life. Something good will definitely happen to you.

22. Some people cannot accept the fact that you are moving forward in life, and therefore they will try to cling to your common past. Don't condone their behavior. Keep moving forward.

23. No matter what you do, someone will always be unhappy. So live by your principles and make sure that you yourself do not end up disappointed.

24. Love yourself! Forgive yourself! Accept yourself! You are you, this is the beginning and the end - and no regrets.

25. You are good enough, smart enough and strong enough. You don't need anyone else's approval to know that you are valuable.

26. One of the most liberating things life teaches us is that we don’t have to love everyone, everyone doesn’t have to love us, and that’s absolutely okay.

27. Try not to take too seriously what other people say about you. What they think and say is a reflection of themselves, not you.

28. If you worry too much about what other people think of you, in some way, you will always be their prisoner.

29. Sometimes we expect more from others because we ourselves would do the same for them. Keep loving. Eventually you will find out who is worthy.

30. Not everyone is able to appreciate what you do for them. You must understand who is truly worthy of your attention and who is just trying to take advantage of you.

31. To say “yes” to happiness, you must learn to say “no” to people and things that cause you pain. Be wise to avoid negativity.

32. If you allow something, it will continue. It's better to be alone than to let negative people and their judgments influence your life.

33. If you feel like your ship is going down, perhaps it's time to throw away everything that weighs you down. Let go of the people who bring you down and surround yourself with those who bring out the best in you.

34. Just because someone has been a part of your life for many years does not guarantee that one day the moment will not come when you finally decide to let them go.

35. One of the most difficult tasks in life is to cut someone out of your heart.

36. You must understand that people come and go. That is life. Stop holding on to those who let you go a long time ago.

37. Sometimes we forgive others not because they deserve it. We forgive them because they need it, because we ourselves need it, and because without it we cannot let go and move on.

38. The one who asks for forgiveness first is the bravest. The one who forgives first is the strongest. The happiest one moves forward first.

39. Don't be sad about the past, it won't come back. Don't worry about the future, it hasn't come yet. Try to live in the present and make it beautiful.

40. Be wise enough to let go when necessary and strong enough to hold on when required.

41. Don't let minor troubles overshadow your happiness. True wealth is the ability to feel and appreciate every moment for what it brings.

42. Life is too short to spend it at war with yourself. Learn to accept and forgive. By letting go of yesterday's troubles, you take the first step towards happiness today.

43. Worry casts a big shadow over small matters. In the end, you can focus either on what is tearing you apart, or on something that helps you pull yourself together.

44. Old concerns - down payments on problems you may never have to deal with. Let them go. Today is a new beginning, take a deep breath and start again.

45. Smile even when everything seems to be falling apart. Smiling doesn't always mean you're happy. Sometimes it just means that you are strong.

46. ​​There comes a time when you stop thinking about your mistakes and move on. No regrets - just life lessons that show you the way.

47. Remember the good times, be strong in difficult times, love every moment, laugh more often, live honestly and be grateful for every new day

48. You can't let one bad thing ruin a bunch of good times. Don't let silly daily dramas get you down.

49. If you are diligent and patient, everything you really need in life will come to you at the right time.

50. In the end, everything will fall into place. Until then, learn everything you can, laugh as much as you can, enjoy every moment and remember that it is worth it.

Copyright site © - Lea A.N.A.

And for girls, they can be suitable for forgetting

The investment return method can be an effective way to solve a classic psychoanalytic problem that previously seemed practically insoluble

The article is devoted a new approach to solving the problem of emotional dependence.

The idea is that emotional addiction is determined by the feelings or parts of the subject's personality that are "invested" in the object of addiction.These feelings or parts of personality can be returned withusing the method of emotional-imaginative therapy(EOT), that leads to instant and complete freedom from addiction.

Examples of specific correctional work with various cases of emotional dependence using the specified method are given. The possibilities of expanding the method to many related areas of therapy are shown.

Emotional dependence is the loss of personal autonomy, or a sense of personal autonomy, for emotional reasons.

Subject of dependence:

1. Experiences suffering due to the inaccessibility of the object of his feelings, or due to the inability to change his behavior, or due to the inadequate power of the object over him;

2. Feels the impossibility of liberation from addiction;

3. The feeling that binds him has a chronic negative impact on the subject’s life path, general well-being, decision-making and behavior.

There are quite a lot of options for emotional addictions. This could be a love addiction to a specific person, the relationship with whom has ended or, on the contrary, cannot end.

Maybe this dependence on the very feeling of love(erotomania), so the object of feeling is not unique.

It could be dependence based on a sense of duty when, for example, a woman is afraid to leave an alcoholic or drug addict, because he will “disappear” without her, and she will feel guilty.

It could be addiction based on feelings of hatred or resentment when the connection does not stop because these feelings do not find their resolution.

It could be dependence on mother (or other person), with whom an emotional merger (confluence) occurred. In this case, the subject automatically experiences the same feelings as the object.

It could be dependence based on feelings of helplessness when the subject feels complete subordination to another person. For example, a girl may feel that psychologically she is still in the womb and is afraid to face the real world.

It could be emotional dependence on a person who has already died, to which the subject was unable to say goodbye. This may be a dependence on the terrible or, conversely, wonderful past in which the subject still lives.

It could be dependence on the future, in which the subject has invested his dreams and hopes. Etc. A subject can suffer for many years from a feeling that makes him dependent, sometimes without even realizing it, sometimes resigning himself to it, and sometimes not wanting to part with it.

Psychological assistance in these cases is aimed at ensuring that the client moves from a state of dependence to state of independence, and in the future, if he wants, to a state of interdependence. The last name seems to us not very successful, although it is accepted in the literature.

One might think that now both individuals will become slaves to each other. But what is meant is that both will be free and, nevertheless, can feel the need for each other and can love each other without experiencing a constraining feeling of coercion and limitation of possibilities.

Liberation is always accompanied by a feeling of lightness and lack of restrictions, a calm and balanced reaction to the behavior of another person.

It would be good, for example, if in the event of an unexpected breakup a young man could say in the words of a cheerful song: “If the bride leaves for someone else, then it is not known who is lucky.”

Unfortunately, sometimes they say with anger: “So don’t let anyone get you!” or “Did you pray before going to bed, Desdemona?” or with a depressive meaning: “My life is over.”

Professional therapeutic help is often needed to heal a heart wound, and this is a big and difficult job.

But... Using the EOT method, we managed to find some quick and effective ways to solve a number of the problems listed above, to achieve a state of independence by the individual, which at the same time advanced us in understanding the essence of emotional dependence itself, the psychological mechanisms of its occurrence.

Example 1. "Blue Ball".

At a seminar that I conducted at one institute for third-year students, a student invited me to help her with the problem of unrequited love. She had been under the influence of this feeling for two years now. Every day she only thought about “him,” she lived purely mechanically, nothing really interested her, she could not love someone else, as her friends advised her. She visited a psychoanalyst at one time, but this did not help her at all.

To begin with, I invited her to imagine that the same young man was on the chair in front of her and describe the experiences that she was experiencing.

She replied that her whole body, her whole body, was madly attracted to him, and this feeling was localized in her chest. Further, following the basic therapy regimen, I suggested to her imagine an image of this feeling on the same chair where the young man “sat” before.

She replied that it was a bright blue ball, which, of course, belongs to her. At the same time, she wanted to throw away this ball, but she could not do this, because, according to her, then it was as if she had died.

Already at this stage it became obvious deadlock structure, in which she was located. She clearly wanted to repress her feelings, because of which she suffered, but at the same time she did not want to lose them. Her ability to love in the form of a blue ball was projected onto the young man, and she was deprived of contact with this part of the personality, so she felt apathy, lived mechanically and could not love someone else.

The same projection created a powerful attraction to find that blue ball again.

Then I suggested that she try the following options one by one to get out of the impasse:

1. Throw the ball away completely;

2. Accept it as part of your personality.

After this, it was possible to make sure which action would be most suitable for her.

However, she showed strong resistance and flatly refused both options. In order to shake up this rigid system, I invited group members to participate in this process.

Each one in turn stood behind the girl and on her behalf made a speech in which he justified his decision to throw out or accept this ball. This question affected everyone and everyone spoke very emotionally. After that, she still didn't make any decision.

Then I decided to aggravate the situation even more and applied a Gestalt therapy technique, inviting her to stand in the middle of the room with her arms out to the sides, and everyone else to pull her in the direction of the decision they had made and persuade her to do just that.

The fight broke out seriously, for some reason all the men were in favor of throwing the ball away, and all the women were in favor of leaving it.

But the main action happened very quickly - the girl literally screamed: "I won't give it up for anything!" and rushed towards the group of women, although the men held her very tightly. Since the decision had been made, I stopped the “game” and asked her how she was feeling.

With surprise, she admitted that she felt very well, and the ball is now in her heart.“But,” she added, “ this is unlikely to last long. I suffered so much and went to a psychoanalyst. And here in an hour... Most likely it will all come back...

I invited her to sit down and again imagine that young man in front of her.

- How do you feel now?

“It’s strange, I feel tenderness for him, but I don’t suffer.”

-Can you let him go now? Tell him that you wish him happiness without you?

- Yes, now I can!

and saidreferring to the image of a young man:

- I let you go and wish you happiness regardless of me.

She saw the image of the young man move away and melt away, and this made her feel even better.

Now I offered her my interpretation: “The blue ball is your heart. It was given to the young man.” I said that along with those feelings that she wanted to get rid of, she also threw away her own heart, which provides the ability to love and feel, which is why she was in apathy. Now that her heart is in the right place, she can not suffer and let this person go, while at the same time maintaining warm feelings for him.

This is how Pushkin said goodbye to his beloved in his famous poem: “I loved you, love is still possible.”

T how almost all situations workwith emotional dependence. We are always talking about the fact that along with the loss of a beloved object, a person is “torn off” andthose investments, which he once invested in it in the hope of receiving emotional “dividends”.

He feels loss, part of his soul is lost.

He cannot create new relationships because he has nothing left to invest.

But investments in relationships make them reliable and significant, then relationships are valued.

If the other person reciprocates the feelings of the first, then everyone is happy, and a strong emotional connection is established between them, providing a good basis for creating a family. When both sides of the process make mutual investments, then this ensures their happiness, they have not only their favorite object, but also their own investments, because they are also with them, if the relationship is not broken.

Moreover, with them are the investments that the “opposite side” made in them. Everyone is pleased to know that they are dear to their loved one, that they are trying for you.

Of course, it cannot be said that the heart of one individual actually moves into the person he loves, and the latter disposes of it.

But it’s not for nothing that lovers so often say that they gave their hearts to the one they love. As the poets write: “My heart is in the mountains, and I myself am below...”

In subjective reality, it is possible that something that does not happen objectively, however, has a very real and objective impact on the life of an individual. If the subject has committed in his subjective world introduction (the term “projection” is also suitable) of some part of one’s personality into another person, then he feels a constant connection with him, his dependence.

He is attached insofar as his feelings or part of his personality are firmly attached to another.

Freud said that as a result of fixation, part of the libido, but not part of the personality, is attached to an object or its image, as a result of which the object begins to have an emotional charge for that individual, this was called cathexis.

In his famous work Melancholia, Freud says that the work of grief is that libido is gradually withdrawn from the loved but lost object. But he didn't indicate that this fixation of libido has the meaning of investment in the future.

And this is very important!Essentially this is a new theory of love.

Fixation does not occur because the object is simply liked; the subject may like many people of the opposite sex and other objects. But no decisive choice occurs, the subject does not “bet” on this particular person.

If he makes a "bet" , then this means that he firmly binds his destiny, your happiness, your future with this person.

He invests the energy of his hopes and dreams in the future, hoping for a long life together, hoping to receive many dividends, for example, counting on sexual happiness, having and raising children, an interesting life together, social approval, etc.

No wonder lovers ask each other: “Do you love me?”, “Will you stop loving me?” and so on. They want to make sure that their investments are “profitable” and reliable, and that they will also invest in them.

Moreover, I became convinced in therapeutic practice that investments control sexual desire, and not vice versa. Investments disappear and attraction disappears.

Example 2. "Bouquet of flowers."

A young man turned to me.

“I can’t,” he says, “forget my first wife. She left me three years ago. She married a foreigner, left the country, gave birth to a child. I was depressed for two years, gave up my favorite sport, I didn’t want anything. Then I coped with it, "I recently got married, but I can’t love my second wife as much as my first, everything seems to me like the first. I’m even ashamed of my second wife, but I can’t help it.”

– This means that you are still dependent on your first wife. You haven't let her go yet.

- No, I’ve already suffered my share. I've already experienced everything in two years.

– And we can easily check this.

How is this possible?

– But imagine that your first wife is sitting on a chair here. What do you feel?

- Never mind. I don't care.

– Then you can easily tell her: “Goodbye, I wish you happiness in your personal life!

- No, for some reason I can’t say these words.

– Well, this means that you are dependent.

I explained to him the theory of investments and asked him to find an image of the feelings that he invested in his first wife, and which are still given to her. He said it was a beautiful bouquet of flowers.

– Are these really your flowers?

– Yes, these are my wonderful feelings that I gave to her.

– Take them and let them enter your body wherever they want.

“This bouquet entered my chest, it made me feel so good.” The energy has returned. Somehow it’s easier to breathe, and your hands rise on their own. I couldn't raise my arms after she left.

– Now look at this woman again (pointing to the chair).

– It’s strange, now it’s just a woman, of which there are millions.

– Can you now tell her: “Farewell, I wish you happiness in your personal life.”

- Yes, it’s easy now.

“Then tell me and see what happens to the image.”

– I speak and see how her image moves away and decreases. It completely disappeared, and it got even better. – Now look at the second wife.

- Yes, now it’s a different matter.

“You can give her the bouquet then.” However, as you wish.

- No, why...

He was clearly in a hurry, and after a short goodbye he went home.

The return of the invested “capitals” back (into the body of the subject), when the destruction of the relationship has occurred, frees the subject and makes the beloved object neutral, the same as all other people. Neither Freud nor other famous psychoanalysts and therapists describe methods that would be specifically focused on returning the subject’s lost feelings or parts of the personality, otherwise everyone would have known about it long ago. It is completely understandable why such methods were not created.

Only the technology of emotional-imaginative therapy is suitable for this, since it allows you to present invested feelings in the form of an image and, through the return of this image to your own body, return lost resources.

It is almost impossible to return feelings based only on verbal techniques.

Moreover, for most psychotherapists, the idea itself is not yet available due to the fact that a method in which feelings can be moved as an object, one can identify with them, accept them into one’s body or release them, contradicts their traditional ideas.

Example 3. Golden lump.

A young man came to me to clarify his relationship with a girl. Their love began at the age of 15, it was strong and sincere. Even then they entered into a sexual relationship and were happy with each other. But the years passed, and it would have been time to get married, but he was a poor student and could not provide for his family. Then she was offended and, abruptly breaking with her beloved, married a rich man. She gave birth to a child, but was not happy, she repented of her choice and soon began to seek restoration of relations with her former lover. She divorced her husband, but still her main aspirations remained money and career. The young man no longer wanted reconciliation with her, but could not free himself from his previous feelings, could not resist her persistence, although he no longer trusted her love. Now he could support his family, but did not want to connect his life with his ex-girlfriend.

At first I thought that he was simply expressing resentment and pride. Maybe we should help him forgive his unfaithful lover and reunite with her?

But he was firm in his intention to free himself from this emotional dependence.

He was convinced of the girl’s low morality and believed that she was manipulating him.

He doesn't I couldn’t understand how she could have neglected his wonderful feelings before, to cause him such pain. He himself would never take the initiative to restore relations.

The first session was used to clarify all the circumstances of the case and to make a final decision on what should be done.

At the beginning of the second meeting, the young man again confirmed that he had no intention of restoring the relationship, but needed help so that he would no longer be drawn to her, so that he would be freed from this dependence and suffering.

Following the theoretical ideas that emotional dependence rests only on those psychological “capitals” that a given subject “invested” in a loved one, I suggested to the client create an image of these feelings in front of you.

After thinking, the young man said that these feelings are like a huge golden ball, from which a thread sticks out, connecting it with a balloon above.

We determined that this ball symbolizes the girl to whom he gave his feelings, hoping to keep her with the help of these feelings.

After this, I invited the client to absorb this lump, that is, his feelings, back into himself as his energy.

At first he did not understand how this could be done. I suggested that he invite them back into his body, but he couldn't.

Suddenly he himself found a solution:

– I must enter this room myself! Because he's bigger than me.

- Well, do it.

In his imagination, he entered this lump and felt that previously lost feelings enveloped him from all sides, like a golden shining aura, they filled his entire body inside, and the ball flew off and hovered somewhere to the side.

– These feelings even protect me, I feel strength and independence. Now these feelings belong to me, and I can freely dispose of them, I can direct them to someone else. And how could she neglect such wonderful feelings?

– How do you feel about this girl now?

“You know, I really don’t care now.” I don’t even want to drive a Mercedes in front of her to get revenge. I'm truly free.

– We should meet again to make sure that the result is truly sustainable. May need some work.

- No, I'm absolutely sure. If necessary, I will call you again. He left me with a very confident and strong gait, he didn’t call again.

A comment:

This case, like the previous one and many others, shows that the subject can, with the help conscious actions in relation to the image of your feelings to really return them to yourself, and thereby gain liberation from emotional dependence.

Traditionally, psychotherapists believe that a partner with whom the relationship has been destroyed should be mentally (and/or actually) forgiven and let go.

However, it is not so easy to say goodbye, because the heart, soul and feelings still remain with the one to whom they were given, with whom they are connected.

Before you let go, you need to get your “investment” back, otherwise nothing will work out.

Sometimes this happens spontaneously, but for the most part the problem of emotional dependence remains extremely difficult to solve, apparently due to a lack of understanding of the importance of this aspect and the lack of appropriate technologies.

Psychotherapists often suggest mentally tearing or cutting the binding thread, mentally driving away the ex-spouse, etc. These mechanical methods sometimes give liberation, but since It is not threads that bind people, but feelings, then for the most part there is no solution, or the solution is partial and unstable.

The return of feelings and parts of the personality with the help of a visually represented image of these feelings or parts of the personality does not cause resistance, since the individual does not lose anything.

There is also nothing morally reprehensible in this action, because it does not harm the object of love and does not drive it away or abandon it. However, after this it is quite possible to let go of the object, which is no longer endowed with an irresistible attraction.

However, the subject may have additional motives for not doing what the therapist encourages him to do, and this gives rise to new difficulties and features of the work.

The therapist must learn to overcome or bypass the client's resistance on the path to his release.

Example 4. "Tearful Dove".

The girl could not forget the young man who left her two years ago. Every evening she imagined that he was next to her, and it was painful. Of course, I asked her about the reasons for the breakup, and about the desirability and possibility of reconciliation. Everything said that it was necessary to finally say goodbye and let go of the former lover.

I immediately invited her to imagine that part of her personality or those feelings that she “invested” in her loved one, and which she lost with his departure.

She immediately replied that it was a dove.I explained that the dove usually symbolizes the soul, and asked if she was ready to return this dove, to accept it back as part of her personality? ABOUTshe confirmed that the dove she clearly imagined was indeed part of her personality, but for some reason he was afraid to go to her.

- Why?

- Because I'm clipping his wings.

- Why are you doing this?

- Well, of course, so that he doesn’t fly away.

This is the first difficulty. It was necessary to explain to the girl that the soul cannot fly away from itself, that it will still belong to her. And also that the more you hold someone captive, the more they break out.

All this was explained, but since experience is the criterion of truth, I suggested to her for the sake of experiment explain to the pigeon that the girl will no longer clip its wings.

This statement had an effect; the dove already wanted to return to the girl, but was still afraid.

No assurances from the girl, which I pushed her to, helped.

This is the second difficulty. Carefully observing the client’s words and intonations, I suddenly realized that in fact, it was she herself who was afraid of the pigeon.

She was afraid of his freedom, afraid that he might again lead her feelings with him.

The same fear forced her to clip the dove’s wings, so this is a new and at the same time old difficulty, but a new approach is needed.

Then I suggested that the girl paradoxically tell the pigeon that she herself will no longer be afraid of him.

The girl was surprised because she was convinced that the dove was afraid of her.

Without explaining, I insisted that this was a paradoxical technique and that it should be tried.

She obeyed, and the dove immediately fluttered into her chest. The girl breathed much deeper and more freely, her eyes lit up, she felt better, and all her fears disappeared.

Now that she had introduced her former friend, she felt completely free from him.

Now she could easily say goodbye to him and absolutely confidently confirmed that she no longer suffered and was no longer addicted. A week later, she once again confirmed the positivity and sustainability of this result.

A comment:

In this example, we also analyzed two possible difficulties, which may be encountered when returning invested feelings:

1. The individual commits some violence against the invested part of the personality (i.e., over himself), as a result of which it loses confidence in him (in himself);

2. The individual is afraid of the return of a part of the personality, fearing that it will let him down or control him, etc.

There is internal splitting and fear of failure to control oneself.

From this and other cases, we can conclude that the subject of emotional dependence sometimes experiences a feeling of self-doubt, does not value himself, does not trust his feelings or abilities.

He sometimes resists freeing himself from the addiction he complains about because he is afraid that when he is free he will make new mistakes or will not be needed by anyone, will not find anyone, etc.

The method can be applied to a number of other problems, with minor modifications of the technique, we call this expansion of the area of ​​application of the method, or more simply, expansion of the method.

Method extension:

1. Emotional dependence and psychosomatics

Emotional dependence can give rise to psychosomatic symptoms, which the individual regards not as a consequence of addiction, but as a somatic malaise, for which he sometimes seeks medical help, but the latter does not produce any results.

I will give two examples showing how this can happen:

Example 5. "Spider on the back".

At one of the seminars, I invited students to show their work.

The student asked to solve her psychosomatic problem. She experienced constant and severe pain in her back, this prevented her from sleeping normally; her back hurt in any position. She turned to doctors for help, but they could not help her.

I asked her to imagine an image of this pain.

She saw the pain as a huge spider sitting on her back.

Since the spider usually symbolizes a man, I suggested that she had some serious problem in her relationship with a man. It turned out that her friend is a drug addict, and she keeps trying to save him from this addiction, but she can’t do anything.

She tries to break off relations with him, but is also unable to get rid of him.

We tried different things to free her from the presence of the spider on her back, but nothing worked to free her from this emotional dependency.

She understood that she still wouldn’t be able to save him, that she was sacrificing her health and fate, but for some reason she “couldn’t” let him go.

Then I invited her to answer the question on behalf of the spider: “Does he need to be rescued and dragged on his back to somewhere that maybe he’s not going to?”

Answering for him, the girl realized that he actually didn’t need it at all and that’s why he resisted.

Immediately she was able to let go of the spider, it disappeared, and the pain in her back went away at the same moment. That same evening she broke off all relations with the drug addict.

After some time, she met another man, got married, gave birth to a child, and lives happily. Since then, her back has never (at least over the next 4 years) hurt.

She told me this story 4 years after the session, which I even forgot about.

A comment:

It is clear that the student breaks off the relationship could not out of a falsely understood sense of duty In front of this young man, she hoped for some kind of miracle and was afraid of being responsible for his further downfall.

Therefore, she did not sincerely apply the techniques that were initially offered to her.

Having answered the proposed question on behalf of the “spider”, she realized that he did not need saving, and his further fall was predetermined by his own desire, she was not responsible for it.

She realized that she was dragging him on her back against his will. This immediate awareness, which could not be achieved by any argument from the therapist, allowed her to let go of this person, stop feeling indebted to him and stop straining her back to save him.

Therefore, her back went away immediately and no longer hurt, and she was able to really break up with this person, get rid of emotional dependence, and really give up the false sense of duty. On the one hand, this is a case of psychosomatic illness, on the other, a case of emotional dependence based on a sense of duty.

But it is important to understand that the realization of the meaninglessness of her “feat” led to disappointment, and accordingly, the girl immediately took back her investment, one might say automatically.

Example 6. “25 Years of Heartache.”

A 70-year-old woman suffered from chronic heart pain; she had to stop from time to time along the way to rest. Periodically, she felt so sick from heart spasms that she feared for her life. These phenomena began to happen to her 25 years ago, after the death of her beloved man, whose unofficial wife she was, there were no more men in her life.

His death was a heavy blow for her, but she believed that she had already been able to survive this grief and had fully recovered.

I asked her to imagine an image of the heartache she was experiencing.

The image of pain was like a blade, even a bayonet. She was very surprised when I suggested that her heart ailment was related to that old psychological trauma.

– It can’t be, 25 years have passed. Then, of course, I was very worried, but I calmed down a long time ago.

“Well, then it will be very easy for you to let go of this blade.”

- Yes, I let him go, but he doesn’t leave.

- Well, try again.

- Still, he doesn’t disappear anywhere.

- So you once gave him something very valuable to him and have not returned it to this day. Can you please imagine what it looks like?

– This is my wounded, bleeding heart.

– Is this really your heart?

- Yes, of course, mine!

– Do you agree to return it to your body so that it falls into place?

– Yes, but he has such a wound, I’m afraid that it will make me feel bad.

- No, when you take it, only then will you be able to cure him. To do this, just tell him that you allow him to heal, you won’t hurt him anymore.

– Yes, it has returned to its place and is gradually healing.

- Tell me when it heals completely.

- Yes, it has already healed. I felt somehow better.

“Now look at the blade again.”

- And he’s gone! He himself disappeared.

A comment:

From this case it follows that emotional dependence can persist for many years, although the individual may not even be aware of it. Moreover, he does not suspect that his physical ailment is a consequence of this addiction.

Extension 2. Emotional dependence and confluence

Many cases of addiction are determined by early fusion with the mother, but not only with the mother, although in practice this is the most common case.

Most often this happens to girls. An adult is still a small child, feeling with the feelings of another person, not knowing how to feel like a separate being and how to stand on his own two feet.

The trouble is that he doesn’t even know how to feel differently, he has never had the experience of independence, and he is afraid of such a state or considers it some kind of immoral, a betrayal of his mother.

At the same time, he may suffer from the fact that he always makes decisions and builds his personal life in accordance with the opinion of his mother, painfully experiences any of her whims or illnesses, is in despair at the mere thought of her death, always feels guilty about her etc.

Getting rid of such an addiction is very difficult, and in my practice I have repeatedly encountered these difficult cases.

Standard verbal therapy is usually very lengthy, but the already described technique of emotional-imaginative therapy shows great promise.

P example 7. "Merging with Mom."

A woman, approximately 35 years old, with a child of her own, made the following request at the seminar:

Her whole life was permeated with a feeling of insignificance and dependence on her mother in her feelings and decisions. Mom’s needs and opinions were more important than her own, the slightest illness of her mother caused tragic experiences, and the thought that her mother would die evoked the idea that it was impossible to live after that.

Mom lived separately, but, nevertheless, her influence on her daughter remained unconditional and inadequate . She felt that something was wrong in their relationship, but did not understand what was wrong. The main line of work was aimed at helping women realize What part of her personality did she once entrust to her mother as a child and why?

It turned out that it was her little child's heart and despite the certainty that this is the heart exactly her, she experienced great difficulty in getting him back. Finally, she returned this heart to her body, and immediately her train of thought changed.

She suddenly realized that her mother, it turns out, was a separate person from her, her mother had her own personal history, which included her first husband and other circumstances, that her mother had her own character and her own delusions.

But most of all she was struck by the immediate feeling of her separateness and independence.

As she mastered this new subjective reality that had opened up to her, the small heart in her chest grew and gradually turned into an adult, large and full-fledged heart, which she was psychologically deprived of.

Now she realized that she could feel on her own and make decisions according to her needs, this was new and wonderful.

A comment:

Thus, the investment return method can also be effective in the case of confluence.

In the event of a merger, other techniques can be and are successfully used. Quite often there are cases when the client is psychologically inside the mother's womb (this is expressed in the image of an egg, bag, vat or cave inside which he is located) - it is as if he refuses to be born.

Here you can go in different ways, for example, you can imitate your birth in your imagination (however, the traditional techniques of symboldrama, psychodrama and bodily therapy are also suitable), but in our practice we have developed a paradoxical approach that allows us to solve this problem in some cases unexpectedly simply.

We inform the client that then it is he who holds the mother's womb, with which he naturally agrees.

After which we invite him to let go of the womb, addressing its image with the appropriate words.

If this is not enough, then the previous method of returning embedded feelings is added to this procedure.

Example 8. "Let go of the mother's womb."

At the seminar, I invited the group participants to perform a mental exercise, to enter the circle of “Health”, the reactions were varied, but mostly positive.

However, one participant, a young girl, said that for some reason she saw herself in some kind of vat, in immobile anemic state, tried to get out, in the end I saw myself in the sea, but I was also in an anemic state.

I said to this that, most likely, she had a difficult birth, or there is an emotional dependence on her mother.

To which she replied that both were true.

“You should let go of mom and her womb,” I advised, “because only you are holding them, not they you. But this will require a lot of work. We will do this later if you want.”

After which I moved on to discuss the impressions of other group members.

After a few minutes, the girl jumped up and began to excitedly walk back and forth within the group circle.

Naturally, I asked what was going on with her and if she wanted to discuss her problem?

She replied that she had already followed my advice and, that she will do everything herself next.

I continued working with the group, and the girl kept walking in a circle, then stopped and cried. Gradually she calmed down and sat down in her place.

At the next seminar a couple of months later, she confirmed that she had indeed solved her problem, that her dependence on her mother and her womb had disappeared.

A comment:

This case illustrates another release technique when the client lets go of the object that he feels is holding him.

For example, an individual sometimes claims that he is “in prison” and cannot free himself from it, no matter how hard he tries. Then he is asked to let go of his prison!

The prison collapses and the client is freed. Then he realizes that he created his prison himself.

But when he lets go of the womb or the prison, it means that he stops investing in this object and automatically returns it to himself.

This technique should sometimes be combined with the previous one.

First, return the lost parts of your personality, and then let go of the object of your addiction. If you manage to let go (it is unacceptable not to drive away the violence), then this will be a criterion for the success of the work to return the investment.

If you can only forcibly break the connection, then this means that it is not actually broken.

Extension 3. Working with fixation on the past and hopes for the future

Parable: A man was chased by a tiger. He ran away from him and fell into the abyss, caught on some root sticking out from the mountainside, and hung on it. Looking down, he saw that another tiger was waiting for him below. Then a small mouse ran out of the hole, next to the root, and began to gnaw at the root. When there was very little left for the root to break, the man suddenly saw a small strawberry growing on the slope right in front of his face. He picked it and ate it.

This is where the parable ends and usually no interpretation is given and people understand it very crookedly, for example, as evidence that our life is continuous suffering, there are only small joys.

However, its meaning is directly opposite to this gloomy outlook on life, and it is very easy to understand, the first tiger is the past, from which a person runs away in horror, the second tiger is the future, which man always fears.

The root is the root of life, and small mouse - inexorable time.

And here a little strawberry is a moment of the present, and when the person ate it, he found himself in the present moment of time and gained enlightenment.

Because in the present there is no past or future, which means there are no fears and suffering, there is only a beautiful present that can last forever.

Therefore, in order to get rid of suffering, you often need to simply return from the past or future.

Example 9. "Return from the Past."

The young man, who was a successful businessman, earned a lot of money, but his company did its job and was disbanded.

He did not find himself in the present, did not feel the meaning of life, although he had a family and so much money that he could no longer work.

It turned out that all he could think about was how good it was when he was running a successful company.

He met with old friends, and they only talked about how good it was then. I told him that he seemed stuck in the past and asked what he left there.

-"Yes, I'm all there."- he exclaimed.

I invited him to see himself in the past and bring that self back here, to the present. "

- “But he doesn’t want to. He feels so good there. He sits in a large office, signs important papers, does good deeds. He doesn’t want to come back to me.”

“Explain to him,” I say, “that he clings to the illusion that this is nothing anymore. He lives in an illusory world, he deceives himself, but you can live here for real.”

- “Oh, as soon as I told him, he ran straight to me. He entered my body. I somehow felt good. Why am I smiling? You know, I just never smile.”

The article is devoted to a new approach to solving the problem of emotional dependence. The idea is that emotional addiction is determined by the feelings or parts of the subject's personality that are "invested" in the object of addiction. These feelings or parts of the personality can be restored using emotional imagery therapy, which leads to immediate and complete freedom from addiction.

Examples of specific correctional work with various cases of emotional dependence using the specified method are given. The possibilities of expanding the method to many related areas of therapy are shown.

Emotional dependence is the loss of personal autonomy, or a sense of personal autonomy, for emotional reasons.

Moreover, the subject of this dependence:

1. Experiences suffering due to the inaccessibility of the object of his feelings, or due to the inability to change his behavior, or due to the inadequate power of the object over him;

2. Feels the impossibility of liberation from addiction;

3. The feeling that binds him has a chronic negative impact on the subject’s life path, general well-being, decision-making and behavior.

There are quite a lot of options for emotional addictions. This could be a love addiction to a specific person, the relationship with whom has ended or, on the contrary, cannot end.

Perhaps this is a dependence on the very feeling of love (erotomania), so that the object of the feeling is not unique. This may be an addiction based on a sense of duty, when, for example, a woman is afraid to leave an alcoholic or drug addict, because he will “disappear” without her, and she will feel guilty.

This may be an addiction based on feelings of hatred or resentment, when the connection does not stop because these feelings do not find their resolution.

This may be dependence on the mother (or another person) with whom an emotional merger (confluence) occurred. In this case, the subject automatically experiences the same feelings as the object.

This may be a dependence based on a feeling of one’s own helplessness, when the subject feels complete subordination to another person. For example, a girl may feel that psychologically she is still in the womb and is afraid to face the real world.

This may be an emotional dependence on a person who has already died, to whom the subject was unable to say goodbye. This may be a dependence on the terrible or, conversely, wonderful past in which the subject still lives. It may be a dependence on the future in which the subject has invested his dreams and hopes. Etc.

A subject can suffer for many years from a feeling that makes him dependent, sometimes without even realizing it, sometimes resigning himself to it, and sometimes not wanting to part with it. Psychological assistance in these cases is aimed at ensuring that the client moves from a state of dependence to a state of independence, and in the future, if he wants, to a state of interdependence.

The last name seems to us not very successful, although it is accepted in the literature. One might think that now both individuals will become slaves to each other. But what is meant is that both will be free and, nevertheless, can feel the need for each other and can love each other without experiencing a constraining feeling of coercion and limitation of possibilities.

Liberation is always accompanied by a feeling of lightness and lack of restrictions, a calm and balanced reaction to the behavior of another person. It would be good, for example, if in the event of an unexpected breakup a young man could say in the words of a cheerful song: “If the bride leaves for someone else, then it is not known who is lucky.”

Unfortunately, sometimes they say with anger: “So don’t let anyone get you!” or “Did you pray before going to bed, Desdemona?” or with a depressive meaning: “My life is over.” Professional therapeutic help is often needed to heal a heart wound, and this is a big and difficult job. But…

Using the EOT method, we were able to find some quick and effective ways to solve a number of the problems listed above, to achieve a state of independence by the individual, which at the same time advanced us in understanding the essence of emotional dependence itself and the psychological mechanisms of its occurrence. I'll start with an example.

Example 1. "Blue Ball".

At a seminar that I conducted at one institute for third-year students, a student invited me to help her with the problem of unrequited love. She had been under the influence of this feeling for two years now.

Every day she only thought about “him,” she lived purely mechanically, nothing really interested her, she could not love someone else, as her friends advised her. She visited a psychoanalyst at one time, but this did not help her at all.

To begin with, I invited her to imagine that the same young man was on the chair in front of her and describe the experiences that she was experiencing. She replied that her whole body, her whole body, was madly attracted to him, and this feeling was localized in her chest.

Further, following the basic scheme of therapy, I invited her to imagine an image of this feeling in the same chair where the young man had previously “sat”. She replied that it was a bright blue ball, which certainly belonged to her. At the same time, she wanted to throw away this ball, but she could not do this, because, according to her, then it was as if she had died.

Already at this stage the structure of the impasse in which she found herself became apparent. She clearly wanted to repress her feelings, because of which she suffered, but at the same time she did not want to lose them.

Her ability to love in the form of a blue ball was projected onto a young man, and she was deprived of contact with this part of the personality, so she felt apathy, lived mechanically and could not love someone else. The same projection created a powerful attraction to find that blue ball again.

Then I suggested that she try both options in turn to get out of the impasse:

1. Throw the ball away completely;

2. Accept it as part of your personality.

After this, it was possible to make sure which action would be most suitable for her. However, she showed strong resistance and flatly refused both options.

In order to shake up this rigid system, I invited group members to participate in this process. Each one in turn stood behind the girl and on her behalf made a speech in which he justified his decision to throw out or accept this ball. This question affected everyone and everyone spoke very emotionally. After that, she still didn't make any decision.

Then I decided to aggravate the situation even more and applied a Gestalt therapy technique, inviting her to stand in the middle of the room with her arms out to the sides, and everyone else to pull her in the direction of the decision they had made and persuade her to do just that.

The fight broke out seriously, for some reason all the men were in favor of throwing the ball away, and all the women were in favor of leaving it. But the main action happened very quickly, the girl literally screamed: “I won’t give it up for anything!” - and rushed towards the group of women, although the men held her very tightly.

Since the decision had been made, I stopped the “game” and asked her how she was feeling. With surprise, she admitted that she felt very good, and the ball was now in her heart.

I invited her to sit down and again imagine that young man in front of her.

- How do you feel now?

“It’s strange, I feel tenderness for him, but I don’t suffer.”

-Can you let him go now? Tell him that you wish him happiness without you?

- Yes, now I can. (Referring to the image of a young man). I let you go and wish you happiness regardless of me.

She saw the image of the young man move away and melt away, and this made her feel even better.

Now I offered her my interpretation: “The blue ball is your heart. It was given to the young man.” I said that along with those feelings that she wanted to get rid of, she also threw away her own heart, which provides the ability to love and feel, which is why she was in apathy.

Now that her heart is in the right place, she can not suffer and let this person go, while at the same time maintaining warm feelings for him. This is how Pushkin said goodbye to his beloved in his famous poem: “I loved you, love is still possible.”

After this explanation, another girl said:

- I understood. I had the same thing for eight years. I psychologically held him all the time, tormented myself, tormented others, I could not truly live and love. Now I want to finish this.

In a fit of emotion, she jumped onto a chair and loudly announced that from now on he was free and could live as he wanted, and she was free too.

The seminar ended with a general discussion.

A week later I met the first girl again at the seminar, her face was glowing, she said:

- Thank you very much. For the first time I lived a week happily.

I watched her for the rest of the semester, everything was fine. At the last lesson, she said that she was no longer suffering, but she still had happy memories of that love.

A comment. Later I realized that this is how almost all situations with emotional dependence work. We are always talking about the fact that along with the loss of a beloved object, the investments that he once invested in it in the hope of receiving emotional “dividends” are “torn away” from a person. He feels loss, part of his soul is lost. He cannot create new relationships because he has nothing left to invest.

But investments in relationships make them reliable and significant, then relationships are valued. If the other person reciprocates the feelings of the first, then everyone is happy, and a strong emotional connection is established between them, providing a good basis for creating a family. When both parties to the process make mutual investments, this ensures their happiness, they have not only their favorite object, but also their own investments, because they are also with them, if the relationship is not broken.

Moreover, with them are the investments that the “opposite side” made in them. Everyone is pleased to know that they are dear to their loved one, that they are trying for you.

This idea became the basis for a whole series of successful works on overcoming emotional dependence. Of course, it cannot be said that the heart of one individual actually moves into the person he loves, and the latter disposes of it. But it’s not for nothing that lovers so often say that they gave their hearts to the one they love.

As the poets write: “My heart is in the mountains, and I myself am below...” In subjective reality, something is possible that does not happen objectively, however, it has a very real and objective impact on the life of an individual.

If a subject has implemented in his subjective world (the term “projection” is also suitable) some part of his personality into another person, then he feels a constant connection with him, his dependence. He is attached insofar as his feelings or part of his personality are firmly attached to another.

Freud said that as a result of fixation, part of the libido, but not part of the personality, is attached to an object or its image, as a result of which the object begins to have an emotional charge for that individual, this was called cathexis.

In his famous work Melancholia, Freud says that the work of grief is that libido is gradually withdrawn from a loved but lost object.

But he did not indicate that this fixation of libido has the meaning of investment in the future. And this is very important! Essentially this is a new theory of love. Fixation does not occur because the object is simply liked; the subject may like many people of the opposite sex and other objects. But no decisive choice occurs, the subject does not “bet” on this particular person.

If he makes a “bet,” this means that he firmly ties his fate, his happiness, his future with this person. He invests the energy of his hopes and dreams into the future, hoping for a long life together, hoping to receive many dividends, for example, counting on sexual happiness, having and raising children, an interesting life together, social approval, etc.

No wonder lovers ask each other: “Do you love me?”, “Will you stop loving me?” and so on. They want to make sure that their investments are “profitable” and reliable, and that they will also invest in them. Moreover, I became convinced in therapeutic practice that investments control sexual desire, and not vice versa. Investments disappear and attraction disappears.

Example 2. "Bouquet of flowers."

A young man turned to me. “I can’t,” he says, “forget my first wife. She left me three years ago. She married a foreigner, left the country, gave birth to a child. I was depressed for two years, abandoned my favorite sport, I didn’t want anything.

Then I got over it, I recently got married, but I can’t love my second wife as much as I did my first, I always see myself as the first. I’m even ashamed in front of my second wife, but I can’t help it.”

– This means that you are still dependent on your first wife. You haven't let her go yet.

- No, I’ve already suffered my share. I've already experienced everything in two years.

– And we can easily check this.

- How is this possible?

– But imagine that your first wife is sitting on a chair here. What do you feel?

- Never mind. I don't care.

– Then you can easily tell her: “Goodbye, I wish you happiness in your personal life!

- No, for some reason I can’t say these words.

– Well, this means that you are dependent.

I explained to him the theory of investments and asked him to find an image of the feelings that he invested in his first wife, and which are still given to her. He said it was a beautiful bouquet of flowers.

– Are these really your flowers?

- Yes, these are my wonderful feelings that I gave to her.

– Take them and let them enter your body wherever they want.

“This bouquet entered my chest, it made me feel so good.” The energy has returned. Somehow it’s easier to breathe, and your hands rise on their own. I couldn't raise my arms after she left.

– Now look at this woman again (pointing to the chair).

– It’s strange, now it’s just a woman, of which there are millions.

– Can you now tell her: “Farewell, I wish you happiness in your personal life.”

- Yes, it’s easy now.

“Then tell me and see what happens to the image.”

– I speak and see how her image moves away and decreases. It completely disappeared, and it got even better.

– Now look at the second wife.

- Yes, now it’s a different matter.

“You can give her the bouquet then.” However, as you wish.

- No, why...

He was clearly in a hurry, and after a short goodbye he went home.

The return of the invested “capitals” back (into the body of the subject), when the destruction of the relationship has occurred, frees the subject and makes the beloved object neutral, the same as all other people. Neither Freud nor other famous psychoanalysts and therapists describe methods that would be specifically focused on returning the subject’s lost feelings or parts of the personality, otherwise everyone would have known about it long ago.

It is completely understandable why such methods were not created. Only the technology of emotional-imaginative therapy is suitable for this, since it allows you to present invested feelings in the form of an image and, through the return of this image to your own body, return lost resources. It is almost impossible to return feelings based only on verbal techniques.

Moreover, for most psychotherapists, the idea itself is not yet available due to the fact that the method in which feelings can be moved as an object, identified with them, accepted into one’s body or released, contradicts their traditional ideas. Let us explain with another example how this idea works within the framework of EOT.

Example 3. Golden lump.

A young man came to me to clarify his relationship with a girl. Their love began at the age of 15, it was strong and sincere. Even then they entered into a sexual relationship and were happy with each other. But the years passed, and it would have been time to get married, but he was a poor student and could not provide for his family.

Then she was offended and, abruptly breaking with her beloved, married a rich man. She gave birth to a child, but was not happy, she repented of her choice and soon began to seek restoration of relations with her former lover. She divorced her husband, but still her main aspirations remained money and career.

The young man no longer wanted reconciliation with her, but could not free himself from his previous feelings, could not resist her persistence, although he no longer trusted her love. Now he could support his family, but did not want to connect his life with his ex-girlfriend. At first I thought that he was simply expressing resentment and pride. Maybe we should help him forgive his unfaithful lover and reunite with her?

But he was firm in his intention to free himself from this emotional dependence. He was convinced of the girl’s low morality and believed that she was manipulating him. He could not understand how she could have previously neglected his wonderful feelings and caused him such pain.

He himself would never take the initiative to restore relations. The first session was used to clarify all the circumstances of the case and to make a final decision on what should be done.

At the beginning of the second meeting, the young man again confirmed that he had no intention of restoring the relationship, but needed help so that he would no longer be drawn to her, so that he would be freed from this dependence and suffering.

Following the theoretical ideas that emotional dependence rests only on those psychological “capitals” that a given subject “invested” in a loved one, I invited the client to create an image of these feelings in front of himself.

After thinking, the young man said that these feelings are like a huge golden ball, from which a thread sticks out, connecting it with a balloon above. We determined that this ball symbolizes the girl to whom he gave his feelings, hoping to keep her with the help of these feelings.

After this, I invited the client to absorb this lump, that is, his feelings, back into himself as his energy. At first he did not understand how this could be done. I suggested that he invite them back into his body, but he couldn't. Suddenly he himself found a solution:

- I have to enter this room myself! Because he's bigger than me.

- Well, do it.

In his imagination, he entered this lump and felt that previously lost feelings enveloped him from all sides, like a golden shining aura, they filled his entire body inside, and the ball flew off and hovered somewhere to the side.

– These feelings even protect me, I feel strength and independence. Now these feelings belong to me, and I can freely dispose of them, I can direct them to someone else. And how could she neglect such wonderful feelings?

– How do you feel about this girl now?

“You know, I really don’t care now.” I don’t even want to drive a Mercedes in front of her to get revenge. I'm truly free.

– We should meet again to make sure that the result is truly sustainable. May need some work.

- No, I'm absolutely sure. If necessary, I will call you again.

He left me with a very confident and strong gait, he didn’t call again.

A comment.This case, like the previous one and many others, shows that a subject can, with the help of conscious actions in relation to the image of his feelings, actually regain them, and thereby gain liberation from emotional dependence.

Traditionally, psychotherapists believe that a partner with whom the relationship has been destroyed should be mentally (and/or actually) forgiven and let go. However, it is not so easy to say goodbye, because the heart, soul and feelings still remain with the one to whom they were given, with whom they are connected.

Before you let go, you need to get your “investment” back, otherwise nothing will work out. Sometimes this happens spontaneously, but for the most part the problem of emotional dependence remains extremely difficult to solve, apparently due to a lack of understanding of the importance of this aspect and the lack of appropriate technologies.

Psychotherapists often suggest mentally tearing or cutting the binding thread, mentally driving away the ex-spouse, etc. These mechanical methods sometimes give liberation, but since it is not threads that bind people, but feelings, for the most part there is no solution, or this solution is partial and unstable.

The return of feelings and parts of the personality with the help of a visually represented image of these feelings or parts of the personality does not cause resistance, since the individual does not lose anything. There is also nothing morally reprehensible in this action, because it does not harm the object of love and does not drive it away or abandon it. However, after this it is quite possible to let go of the object, which is no longer endowed with an irresistible attraction.

However, the subject may have additional motives for not doing what the therapist encourages him to do, and this gives rise to new difficulties and features of the work. The therapist must learn to overcome or bypass the client's resistance on the path to his release.

Example 4. "Tearful Dove."

The girl could not forget the young man who left her two years ago. Every evening she imagined that he was next to her, and it was painful. Of course, I asked her about the reasons for the breakup, and about the desirability and possibility of reconciliation. Everything said that it was necessary to finally say goodbye and let go of the former lover.

I immediately invited her to imagine that part of her personality or those feelings that she “invested” in her loved one, and which she lost with his departure. She immediately replied that it was a dove.

I explained that the dove usually symbolizes the soul, and asked if she was ready to return this dove, to accept it back as part of her personality? She confirmed that the dove she clearly imagined was indeed part of her personality, but for some reason he was afraid to go to her.

- Why?

- Because I'm clipping his wings.

- Why are you doing this?

- Well, of course, so that he doesn’t fly away.

This is the first difficulty. It was necessary to explain to the girl that the soul cannot fly away from itself, that it will still belong to her. And also that the more you hold someone captive, the more they break out.

All this was explained, but since experience is the criterion of truth, I suggested that, for the sake of experiment, she explain to the pigeon that the girl would no longer clip its wings. This statement had an effect; the dove already wanted to return to the girl, but was still afraid. No assurances from the girl, which I pushed her to, helped. This is the second difficulty.

Carefully observing the client’s words and intonations, I suddenly realized that in fact, it was she herself who was afraid of the pigeon. She was afraid of his freedom, afraid that he might again lead her feelings with him. The same fear forced her to clip the dove’s wings, so this is a new and at the same time old difficulty, but a new approach is needed.

Then I suggested that the girl paradoxically tell the dove that she herself would no longer be afraid of it. The girl was surprised because she was convinced that the dove was afraid of her. Without explaining, I insisted that this was a paradoxical technique and that it should be tried.

She obeyed, and the dove immediately fluttered into her chest. The girl breathed much deeper and more freely, her eyes lit up, she felt better, and all her fears disappeared.

Now that she had introduced her former friend, she felt completely free from him. Now she could easily say goodbye to him and absolutely confidently confirmed that she no longer suffered and was no longer addicted. A week later, she once again confirmed the positivity and sustainability of this result.

A comment.In this example, we examined two more possible difficulties that may arise when returning invested feelings:

1. The individual commits some violence against the invested part of the personality (i.e., over himself), as a result of which it loses confidence in him (in himself);

2. The individual is afraid of the return of a part of the personality, fearing that it will let him down or control him, etc. There is internal splitting and fear of failure to control oneself.

From this and other cases, we can conclude that the subject of emotional dependence sometimes experiences a feeling of self-doubt, does not value himself, does not trust his feelings or abilities. He sometimes resists freeing himself from the addiction he complains about because he is afraid that when he is free he will make new mistakes or will not be needed by anyone, will not find anyone, etc.

The method can be applied to a number of other problems, with minor modifications of the technique; we call this expansion of the area of ​​application of the method, or more simply, expansion of the method.

Extension of method 1. Emotional dependence and psychosomatics

Emotional dependence can give rise to psychosomatic symptoms, which the individual regards not as a consequence of addiction, but as a somatic malaise, for which he sometimes seeks medical help, but the latter does not produce any results. Let us give two examples showing how this can happen.

Example 5. "Spider on the back."

At one of the seminars, I invited students to show their work. The student asked to solve her psychosomatic problem. She experienced constant and severe pain in her back, this prevented her from sleeping normally; her back hurt in any position. She turned to doctors for help, but they could not help her.

I asked her to imagine an image of this pain. She saw the pain as a huge spider sitting on her back. Since the spider usually symbolizes a man, I suggested that she had some serious problem in her relationship with a man.

It turned out that her friend is a drug addict, and she keeps trying to save him from this addiction, but she can’t do anything. She tries to break off relations with him, but is also unable to get rid of him. We tried different things to free her from the presence of the spider on her back, but nothing worked to free her from this emotional dependency.

She understood that she still wouldn’t be able to save him, that she was sacrificing her health and fate, but for some reason she “couldn’t” let him go. Then I invited her to answer the question on behalf of the spider: “Does he need to be rescued and dragged on his back somewhere where, perhaps, he is not going?”

Answering for him, the girl realized that he actually didn’t need it at all and that’s why he resisted. Immediately she was able to let go of the spider, it disappeared, and the pain in her back went away at the same moment. That same evening she broke off all relations with the drug addict.

After some time, she met another man, got married, gave birth to a child, and lives happily. Since then, her back has never (at least over the next 4 years) hurt. She told me this story 4 years after the session, which I even forgot about.

A comment. It is clear that the student could not break off the relationship out of a falsely understood sense of duty to this young man; she hoped for some kind of miracle and was afraid of being responsible for his further downfall. Therefore, she did not sincerely apply the techniques that were initially offered to her.

Having answered the proposed question on behalf of the “spider”, she realized that he did not need saving, and his further fall was predetermined by his own desire, she was not responsible for it. She realized that she was dragging him on her back against his will.

This immediate awareness, which could not be achieved by any argument from the therapist, allowed her to let go of this person, stop feeling indebted to him and stop straining her back to save him. Therefore, her back went away immediately and no longer hurt, and she was able to really break up with this person, get rid of emotional dependence, and really give up the false sense of duty.

On the one hand, this is a case of psychosomatic illness, on the other, a case of emotional dependence based on a sense of duty. But it is important to understand that the realization of the meaninglessness of her “feat” led to disappointment, and accordingly, the girl immediately took back her investment, one might say automatically.

Example 6. “25 Years of Heartache.”

A 70-year-old woman suffered from chronic heart pain; she had to stop from time to time along the way to rest. Periodically, she felt so sick from heart spasms that she feared for her life.

These phenomena began to happen to her 25 years ago, after the death of her beloved man, whose unofficial wife she was, there were no more men in her life. His death was a heavy blow for her, but she believed that she had already been able to survive this grief and had fully recovered.

I asked her to imagine an image of the heartache she was experiencing. The image of pain was like a blade, even a bayonet. She was very surprised when I suggested that her heart ailment was related to that old psychological trauma.

– It can’t be, 25 years have passed. Then, of course, I was very worried, but I calmed down a long time ago.

“Well, then it will be very easy for you to let go of this blade.”

- Yes, I let him go, but he doesn’t leave.

- Well, try again.

- Still, he doesn’t disappear anywhere.

- So you once gave him something very valuable to him and have not returned it to this day. Can you please imagine what it looks like?

“This is my wounded, bleeding heart.”

– Is this really your heart?

- Yes, of course, mine!

– Do you agree to return it to your body so that it falls into place?

– Yes, but he has such a wound, I’m afraid that it will make me feel bad.

- No, when you take it, only then will you be able to cure him. To do this, just tell him that you allow him to heal, you won’t hurt him anymore.

– Yes, it has returned to its place and is gradually healing.

- Tell me when it heals completely.

- Yes, it has already healed. I felt somehow better.

“Now look at the blade again.”

A comment. From this case it follows that emotional dependence can persist for many years, although the individual may not even be aware of it. Moreover, he does not suspect that his physical ailment is a consequence of this addiction.

Extension 2. Emotional dependence and confluence

Many cases of addiction are determined by early fusion with the mother, but not only with the mother, although in practice this is the most common case. Most often this happens to girls. An adult is still a small child, feeling with the feelings of another person, not knowing how to feel like a separate being and how to stand on his own two feet.

The trouble is that he doesn’t even know how to feel differently, he has never had the experience of independence, and he is afraid of such a state or considers it some kind of immoral, a betrayal of his mother.

At the same time, he may suffer from the fact that he always makes decisions and builds his personal life in accordance with the opinion of his mother, painfully experiences any of her whims or illnesses, is in despair at the mere thought of her death, always feels guilty before her, etc. .d.

Getting rid of such an addiction is very difficult, and in my practice I have repeatedly encountered these difficult cases. Standard verbal therapy is usually very lengthy, but the already described technique of emotional-imaginative therapy shows great promise.

Example 7. “Merging with Mom.”

A woman, approximately 35 years old, with a child of her own, made the following request at a seminar. Her whole life was permeated with a feeling of insignificance and dependence on her mother in her feelings and decisions.

Mom’s needs and opinions were more important than her own, the slightest illness of her mother caused tragic experiences, and the thought that her mother would die evoked the idea that it was impossible to live after that. Mom lived separately, but, nevertheless, her influence on her daughter remained unconditional and inadequate. She felt that something was wrong in their relationship, but did not understand what was wrong.

The main line of work was aimed at helping the woman realize what part of her personality she once handed over to her mother as a child and why? It turned out that it was her little child's heart and, despite the confidence that this heart was hers, she experienced great difficulties in getting it back.

Finally, she returned this heart to her body, and immediately her train of thought changed. She suddenly realized that her mother, it turns out, was a separate person from her, her mother had her own personal history, which included her first husband and other circumstances, that her mother had her own character and her own delusions. But most of all she was struck by the immediate feeling of her separateness and independence.

As she mastered this new subjective reality that had opened up to her, the small heart in her chest grew and gradually turned into an adult, large and full-fledged heart, which she was psychologically deprived of. Now she realized that she could feel on her own and make decisions according to her needs, this was new and wonderful.

A comment. Thus, the investment return method can also be effective in the case of confluence.

In the event of a merger, other techniques can be and are successfully used. Quite often there are cases when the client is psychologically inside the mother's womb (this is expressed in the image of an egg, bag, vat or cave inside which he is located), he seems to refuse to be born.

Here you can go in different ways, for example, you can imitate your birth in your imagination (however, the traditional techniques of symboldrama, psychodrama and bodily therapy are also suitable), but in our practice we have developed a paradoxical approach that allows us to solve this problem in some cases unexpectedly simply.

We inform the client that he is the one holding the mother's womb, to which he naturally agrees. After which we invite him to let go of the womb, addressing its image with the appropriate words. If this is not enough, then the previous method of returning embedded feelings is added to this procedure.

Example 8. "Let go of the mother's womb."

At the seminar, I invited the group participants to perform a mental exercise, to enter the circle of “Health”, the reactions were varied, but mostly positive. However, one participant, a young girl, said that for some reason she saw herself in some kind of vat, in a motionless anemic state, she tried to get out, and in the end she saw herself in the sea, but she was also in an anemic state.

I said to this that, most likely, she had a difficult birth, or there is an emotional dependence on her mother. To which she replied that both were true. “You should let go of mom and her womb,” I advised, “because only you are holding them, not they you. But this will require a lot of work. We will do this later if you want.”

After which I moved on to discuss the impressions of other group members. After a few minutes, the girl jumped up and began to excitedly walk back and forth within the group circle. Naturally, I asked what was going on with her and if she wanted to discuss her problem? She replied that she had already followed my advice and that she would do everything else herself.

I continued working with the group, and the girl kept walking in a circle, then stopped and cried. Gradually she calmed down and sat down in her place. At the next seminar a couple of months later, she confirmed that she had indeed solved her problem, that her dependence on her mother and her womb had disappeared.

A comment.This case illustrates another release technique when the client lets go of the object that he feels is holding him. For example, an individual sometimes claims that he is “in prison” and cannot free himself from it, no matter how hard he tries. Then he is asked to let go of his prison!

The prison collapses and the client is freed. Then he realizes that he created his prison himself. But when he lets go of the womb or prison, it means that he stops investing in that object and automatically returns it to himself.

This technique should sometimes be combined with the previous one. First, return the lost parts of your personality, and then let go of the object of your addiction. If you manage to let go (it is unacceptable not to drive away the violence), then this will be a criterion for the success of the work to return the investment. If you can only forcibly break the connection, then this means that it is not actually broken.

Extension 3. Working with fixation on the past and hopes for the future

A man was chased by a tiger. He ran away from him and fell into the abyss, caught on some root sticking out from the mountainside, and hung on it. Looking down, he saw that another tiger was waiting for him below.

Then a small mouse ran out of the hole, next to the root, and began to gnaw at the root. When there was very little left for the root to break, the man suddenly saw a small strawberry growing on the slope right in front of his face. He picked it and ate it.

This is where the parable ends and usually no interpretation is given and people understand it very crookedly, for example, as evidence that our life is continuous suffering, there are only small joys.

However, its meaning is directly opposite to this gloomy outlook on life, and it is very easy to understand, the first tiger is the past, from which a person runs away in horror, the second tiger is the future, which a person always fears. The root is the root of life, and the little mouse is the inexorable time. But a small strawberry is a moment of the present, and when a person ate it, he found himself in the present moment of time and gained enlightenment.

Because in the present there is no past or future, which means there are no fears and suffering, there is only a beautiful present that can last forever. Therefore, in order to get rid of suffering, you often need to simply return from the past or future.

Example 9. "Return from the Past."

The young man, who was a successful businessman, earned a lot of money, but his company did its job and was disbanded. He did not find himself in the present, did not feel the meaning of life, although he had a family and so much money that he could no longer work.

It turned out that all he could think about was how good it was when he was running a successful company. He met with old friends, and they only talked about how good it was then.

I told him that he seemed stuck in the past and asked what he left there. "Yes, I'm all there." - he exclaimed. I invited him to see himself in the past and bring that self back here, to the present. “But he doesn’t want to. He feels so good there. He sits in a big office, signs important papers, does good deeds. He doesn’t want to come back to me.”

“Explain to him,” I say, “that he clings to the illusion that this is nothing anymore. He lives in an illusory world, deceives himself, but you can live here for real.”

“Oh, as soon as I told him, he ran straight to me. He entered my body. I somehow felt good. Why am I smiling? You know, I just never smile.” This went on and on, he came again to check and was convinced that the effect did not disappear, that now he had found the meaning of life.

Advice from a psychologist on how to let go of a loved one, not torment yourself and stop thinking that parting is the end of life.

When we fall in love, we can think about the person all day long. This is especially true for women, because they are more emotional and sensitive. Women have a better developed imagination, which in this case does not play into their hands.

If you are suffering and cannot let go of your loved one, then most likely you are captive of the imagination and need to “return to earth” and a more sober assessment of the situation.

How to let a man go if it's hard for you?

The feeling of falling in love inspires and changes the surrounding reality, however, if you are in love, and the opposite sex does not yet (or already) experience strong feelings, you urgently need to pull yourself together! And the first thing you need to do is to turn on your head and analyze the situation and your real feelings.

It all starts with the head.

Falling in love and the desire to possess first of all settles in the mind.

It is in the brain that a certain biochemical reaction occurs that does not allow you to stop thinking about the person. Some people are able to control themselves immediately, while others need time. But if you understand that it will be difficult to cope on your own, it is better to work with your specific situation. Now, at least read the universal advice from psychologists on how to let go of the person you love.

First, understand that it's just a crush that you can control. If you want to understand how to let a man go, then first analyze what exactly attracts you to him. You will remember some external qualities and attributes: strong arms, big blue eyes, having a car. Based on them, you are used to drawing conclusions about what a person is like inside, labeling him and convincing yourself of strong, uncontrollable feelings for him.

We associate many virtues with certain qualities. For example, having a car indicates that a person has achieved a lot and knows how to support a family. However, in fact it may turn out that it was because of the car that he got into debt. Strong arms are not at all proof of courage, and blue eyes are not a mandatory attribute of a romantic nature. If you don’t have the facts, you can fantasize a lot about a person. This is exactly how “love” comes, which exhausts you with thoughts about a person.

How to let go of a loved one?

True love gives freedom, because it understands that no one can be forced to experience reciprocal feelings. Therefore, if you feel true love for a person, you will wish him well, leave a choice and will not put pressure.

Make a bet with yourself. If this love is truly true, allow the person to be happy. If you can't let go, maybe it's not that much love, huh? From a psychological point of view, this is an excellent tool for gaining primary control over yourself.

Sense of ownership

desires to possess, possess, control.

This feeling arises like greed, when you realize that you already have enough, but you cannot stop taking, grabbing, accumulating something. In this case, a feeling of satiety and excess arises very quickly.

Remember the feeling when you were very hungry and they brought you a hot lunch. Instead of enjoying it little by little, you swallowed everything in 5 minutes and not only did you not feel satisfied, but you also felt heaviness and pain in your stomach. It’s the same with the desire to possess a person. Excessive interest and appetite are quickly replaced by apathy and indifference.

What happens if you get your loved one back now? Will you really be as happy and satisfied as you currently think. Most likely, with his return, life will return to its previous course, with old problems, grievances and accusations.

You can learn to control your thoughts and emotions, but this takes time and desire.

Let go of the past and live without suffering

Even if you find the cause of the pain, in most cases you will not feel better. Tested for myself
And the past does not go away on its own.
At any moment, a heard name, a song, a forgotten emotion, an old feeling already carries a stream of memories. Forgetting about the past is also an illusion
You can constantly run away from it in fantasy or gain courage and solve this problem

Belyaeva Lyubov
good modern psychologist

It’s not a fact that it will work out the first time. However, you can train your feelings and over time you will be able to cope with the surging emotions, heaviness in your chest and lump in your throat at the mention of a familiar name.

How to let go correctly if little is working out yet?

Be sure to find something to do that will at least temporarily distract you from thinking about the person. You need to understand that the desire to possess and thoughts about a specific person are your obsession. To begin to free yourself from it. Sports and creativity among people help a lot with this. Don't be alone with yourself just yet. However, avoid “hanging out with girlfriends” in the traditional sense, since they are potentially interested listeners, and you need to take your mind off the topic.

How to let someone go from your thoughts? Comparison method

Try the comparison method. O is good because it sobers up and, like a cold shower, brings to life those who are too amorous and constantly tormenting themselves. Compare your crush with an ex, an acquaintance, an attractive person from your environment, an “ideal man,” a movie star. You will immediately note that the chosen one has shortcomings. Now it’s important to look at them.

For example, he doesn't wash the car, although your dad or brother takes this seriously and instilled in you a love of cleanliness. Or his sense of humor is frankly “lame”. And you can’t expect gifts from him. Once you start comparing, you will realize that you have questions on many points. This is the first step to eventually letting this person go from your thoughts and your life.

How to let go correctly? Realize that you are already a self-sufficient person

Another piece of advice from a psychologist - analyze your strengths and think about what another person gives you that you yourself cannot do? Since you are a good housewife, an interesting person, and a good highly paid specialist, is it worth tormenting yourself over someone who may not deserve it at all? To begin with, you need a friend, a spiritually close person, and not just an object whom you can blindly adore. Pay more attention to developing your own qualities, skills, abilities, thus attracting the right partners. And not those on whom you are used to pointlessly wasting time and nerves.

If you are interested in how to let a person go, then the psychologist’s advice comes down to a few simple things: learn to value yourself and control your thoughts. This way you will begin to avoid many problems, self-torture and obsessive thoughts.

Psychologists on how to let go of a person if he is constantly in front of your eyes

If you are constantly in the same environment, bump into each other at work or other public places, and after breaking up, letting go of such a person turns out to be much more difficult. In this case, you need to pull yourself together very firmly.

And the first thing you have to do is to differentiate between what you really feel, what you are used to feeling when you see this person, and what you want to feel.

It is the last feelings that need to be translated into reality.

Turn on the “frost” in his direction. Soon you will notice that this attitude little by little helps you internally to let go of the person from your thoughts, and you needed the advice of a psychologist. Now either the opposite sex will begin to show strong interest, or interest on your part will fade away. It's up to you to decide what to do if he tries to start communication. Do you want to return or have you clearly decided to put an end to it?

The easiest way to control yourself is right away, and not when you are trapped in your thoughts. And remember that the one who is calm and reasonable, and not eager to possess and own, has a chance to let go and forget another person. And the one who loves and values ​​himself, first of all, and is not ready to do anything for the sake of someone else.

“I often cry for no reason. What to do when tears appear at the most inopportune moment - at work, on the street or in public places?”

First of all, do not be alarmed by this reaction of the body. If your emotionality suddenly manifested itself, even attracting the attention of others, this is not the worst thing in life. You can handle everything. If for some reason you feel like crying for no reason, there is still a reason. You need to look for her. But first of all, you need to calm down. Try the following techniques if you experience sudden tears:

1. Talk.

   Moral support from a loved one is a great way to cope with emotions, calm down and look at what is happening in a new way. Sometimes talking with a stranger can save you. Without fearing the reaction of loved ones, you simply express what worries you. Against the backdrop of emotional unloading, sudden tears also occur.

2. Self-control.

   If you often find yourself in tears for no reason, you will have to learn to control them. This cannot be done without initial efforts. Don't try - it won't do much good. It’s better to consciously set yourself to calm down. Take a deep breath several times, follow your breath, focus on it, get up, drink water, try to switch your attention to any object around - look at it and tell yourself about it: what color it is, why it is here, etc. Your task is to switch your thoughts to something that does not cause an obvious emotional reaction in you. Try to achieve complete muscle relaxation and redirect the flow of thoughts, this will help you calm down.

3. Medication assistance.

   Any pharmacological drug must be taken as prescribed by a doctor. But you can also purchase a complex of vitamins on your own - despite the popular belief that causeless tears need to be “treated,” it doesn’t hurt to do some simple prevention. Vitamins and mild sedatives are suitable if you often feel anxious or upset. There is no need to shy away from medical support; your nervous system requires care just like other body systems.

4. Help from a psychoanalyst.

   There is no need to be afraid of psychotherapists. Do you feel that it has become difficult for you to cope with surging emotions? Or maybe causeless tears began to “attack” you very often? Make an appointment with a specialist. Your doctor will help you determine the cause of your increased emotionality. In the process of a simple conversation, you yourself will reveal to him your irritant. It is easier for a psychoanalyst to understand what provokes your condition. Unreasonable tears can occur against the background of regular nagging from the boss, inattention from the husband or misunderstanding of the children, or they can hide much more serious psychological disorders, which are almost impossible to cope with on your own.

Only by understanding the causes of tearfulness can you find the best way to solve this problem. Learn to respond to disruptions in your body in a timely manner to avoid unexpected emotional shocks. Take care of yourself. If your body gives a signal - it will be crying for no reason or other manifestations - do not let them pass your attention. Your body will thank you.